I know how corny this sounds but I have truly had one of these "Light Bulb Moments" that Oprah is always talking about.
I was working at home the other day writing a procedure for the company that I work for when I looked up straight at the family photo we had taken when Harrison was two and half.
There we were the three of us looking into the camera smiling but the biggest smile of all was Harrison's. Once again enjoying every moment of his life.
It suddenly struck me - like a light bulb being turned on - that I really couldn't remember my feelings for Harrison at this age. Sure I could remember going and having this beautiful family photo taken and of course I have lots of photos,videos, baby books and written records but I couldn't recall those deep down in my heart feelings and little special moments that I know we did have as a family. It was not the memories but the feelings that seemed so hard to recall.
I started to panic - why was this? Why couldn't I recall my feelings for those times that we had shared when he was just a toddler? What had happened for this occur?
I sat back and started to think hard about how life had been for us as a family then. The answer then became very clear.
The reason I couldn't recall my deep down feelings was because over this time I had tried to be Super Mum. I ran my own business that was fantastically successful but extremely demanding and time consuming, so Harrison spent much of the week in care. This of course resulting in the rush. Morning, Noon and Night I rushed just managing to fit everything in and that included my time with Harrison resulting in me never realizing the issues my son was struggling with.
It wasn't until Harrison was diagnosed with ADHD and then Aspergers that I took stock and realized how much more time he needed from me and how much more time I needed to give him.
I sat back from my computer over whelmed by the realization that I was starting to slip back into that Super Mum mode again - heaven forbid - Harrison has come to far I couldn't let this happen again.
My heart was filled with an absolute love that I can't describe but it comes in somewhere close to as high are the heavens and as deep as the sea.I suddenly had a terrible urge to ring the school and say I needed to come and pick Harrison up early for no particular reason but just to be with him and knowing in that split second that I needed to sort out my prioritizes before the Super Mum in me took over again.
So I took myself in hand. I phoned my boss and asked if I could take one week of the school holidays off to spend time with Harrison. His reply was - no, take all the school holidays, family is the most important thing and the time goes so fast you need to enjoy every moment you can get! Wow - he must have had this Light Bulb Moment sometime in his life too.
The next thing I did was decide no more rushing. Nothing is more important than my time with Harrison. If our walk and talk home from school take two hours so that how it is. If we don't eat on time because I've sat down and read a book or watched TV with Harrison then dinner will be late. What I don't get done today can be done tomorrow but a moment wasted that I could have spent with Harrison can never be again.
And so I am going to soak up every moment that I get to spend with this beautiful boy so that I can remember not only the time we spend together but also the feelings that motherhood and the love of this beautiful child brings.